lilmissmagic71 (lilmissmagic71) wrote,
lilmissmagic71
lilmissmagic71

LJIdol 10: Topic 4: I Skate to Where the Puck is Going to Be

“I don't skate to where the puck is. I skate to where the puck is going to be. " Wayne Gretzky


Everything I do, I do for you. That's not hyperbole... it's actually a painful truth, deep and residing somewhere between my basic chemical imbalance and the neuroses that were gifted to me through the genetic stone-soup that is my family. It's an all encompassing job just staying ahead of the landslides, pitfalls and stampedes of parenting without a net. It's all for you, I promise.


They told me for years this wasn't possible for me, so I was NOT prepared for not one, but two boys to grace my life with an insane amount of pride mixed with a converse sinking self-doubt that cripples me to this day. I have no idea what I'm doing, which I'm sure you've figured out by now. I go to bed every night thinking of what tomorrow will bring in the way of challenges and necessities, hoping to slide into every situation fully prepared and ready to rock. It's been my greatest goal... to anticipate the requirements of the future and prepare you fully for them before this day is over.


I suppose it comes from feeling all my life (until you) that I was completely unprepared for anything that ever came at me. Caught off guard was a familiar feeling... hell, I became almost inured to being sideswiped by situations daily. Then, there was you. I knew, right then, that I had to prepare you for everything out here. The pain of barely surviving and feeling swept under will not be a curse I pass on. The circle ends with me.


So, here I am, desperately losing sleep, second guessing my every move, reveling in every skill you master, every checkmark I can make on my checklist of 'things people should know how to tackle before they are on their own'. I'm scrambling because time is relentless and cruel. I blinked once and felt the lurch in my soul. Please, let there be time.


So here I am, looking ahead, while desperately attempting to not miss anything today. Bear with me, sweet boys. I wasn't prepared for this then, but I have spent your lives staying ahead of the game, anticipating the next move and correcting our course to meet it. When we've won it all, I know it will be worth the fight.  

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